We are our biggest pitfall. All of us.
I have been my biggest pitfall. It’s taken me awhile to actually see the ways I have created the mess in my life. Messes I’ve created through various means. The first by having doubts about myself. And, I don’t mean the I don’t look good in this dress doubts. I mean serious gut wrenching, stifling, keep me stuck in a rut of my own making that I can’t get out of doubts. It makes me wonder one very large questions.
WHEN DID I LEARN TO DOUBT MYSELF?
I can’t remember any time in my life that I actually started doubting myself, I just know at some point I did. And, I did it a lot. I think I especially felt this way because I was so emotional and everyone around me seemed so detached, or more capable of controlling their emotions. I eventually began to think that I was either always going to give to much or not be enough and I found myself second guessing everything I said, or starting with a disclaimer, or apologizing for feeling the way I was feeling. I created this pattern for myself and it has been a pain in the butt. The thing with patterns is that they are easy to form and so darn hard to get rid of.
Another reason that I can say I’ve been my biggest pitfall is because I have a fear of failing. I don’t want to do anything I won’t be good at. I don’t want to try it if I can’t see a positive outcome in my favour. And, I realize I have missed out on so much things as a result of these two things.
TWO things that developed in my subconscious without my permission but they have been dictating the process of my life, for years. YEARS! I want them out. I know you do. I know you want them out, but getting them out. Getting them out is the hardest. It’s like a war on every thought you have and the ones that you don’t have, that seem to be lurking in wait just to pop up. You literally have to go to war with yourself.
It is tiresome work. And, it is easy to simply fall back into the pattern. I mean it is comfortable there. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve slipped back.
A million and one would be the correct number, if we were estimating. Every time I slipped back. I would just call myself the meanest words. I would say the meanest things to myself. Oh, you know you can’t do that. Why do you even try. You don’t have the ability to do that. It’s hopeless.
And, so I realized I can’t begin fixing some other thing, when I had this big pitfall glaring in front of me. I had to change how I saw myself, how I see myself. I have to be the one to put the dirt in the pit I created. Things have really begun for me know that I know I must address the way I speak and think to myself and about myself– not to others, but to me. This battle isn’t dependent on anyone else. It’s all about me. I’ve allowed myself to play the hero and the villain. It seems I am apt at the villain role. If I were obtaining an award it would be for that role. I am far better at downgrading myself than uplifting. I don’t know if anyone else has that ability. There may be one area that I just couldn’t get together in my life, then suddenly all of the moments in life come flooding back as evidence that I am just not good enough. And, that one incident is just another one to add to the collection. On the other hand, I am often left with blank spots when I look for positive moments.
It is ridiculous.
It is a habit of my own making, and I know that I am the only one that can stop it. I know it begins with me. I have no idea how things will go, or how many times I will become frustrated with myself, but I do know that I must try. I do know that I must stop digging these pits for myself to fall in. I know it begins with how I see myself. I know that is the best place to start.
I know that I’m not willing to let myself fall again. I know I am not ready to give up on me. I’m not willing to throw in the towel.
I know I am ready to stop being my own pitfall.